just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
