Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
