I hate your face
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
