but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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