do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
