I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
