i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
