He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
