I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
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Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.