Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs