im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.