I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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