ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
