i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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