Apparently you make a good broom.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
