true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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