I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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