if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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