The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
