She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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