apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
