Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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