I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
