end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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