you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
