i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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