my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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