pop tarts are not kleenex
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
