i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
