i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
