A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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