Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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