Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
