I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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