Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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