Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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