bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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