I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
