he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
