So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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