Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
