I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
