He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
