I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
