why didn't you poke me back
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
