this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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