Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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