At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
