yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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