I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
