if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
