jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
