I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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