Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
