Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
