I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
