Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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