I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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