A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
